On friendship
Friendliness is considered to be justice in the fullest sense. It is not only a necessary thing but a splendid one. (…)
And in poverty and in other misfortunes men think friends are the only refuge. It helps the young, too, to keep from error; it aids older people by ministering to their needs and supplementing the activities that are failing from weakness; those in the prime of life it stimulates to noble actions-'two going together'-for with friends men are more able both to think and to act.
Aristotle - Nicomachean Ethics, Book VIII, Chapter 1
2 Oct 2016. Modena, Italy. Sitting at Café Concerto in the Piazza del Duomo. Reflecting on a phone conversation I had with one of my best friends.
What distinguishes close (what we call "best", although that term has some nuance) friends from regular friends / acquaintances?
That thought first came to my mind in July 2013 in New York, after a dinner with my wonderful friend from college, Kate. I was having a rather unpleasant (aka shitty) week and was in a peculiar mood, one I could not explain and describe in detail to anyone (or I just wasn’t feeling like doing it).
When I met Kate who was visiting from London, I remembered that all I wanted to do is be myself, with all the good and bad, and not be judged for it. Just be there, present, next to Kate, talk about whatever or not talk at all. And know that the person in front of me would understand and somehow, by their sole role of being my close friend (and a beautiful person with a big heart and mind, as Kate is), they would provide some form of comfort (or whatever a better term would be to describe this inexplicable feeling) that would make me leave the room a fuller person, feeling more complete, more reflective and stronger, knowing I could face anything in this world.
My closest friends have provided this support constantly throughout my life. Pointing the path I couldn’t see, or maybe just being there in the challenging task of finding it myself. Making me see the forest through the trees. And pulling a smile out of the situation. I’m not sure what I would have done without them.
In recent times, we’ve expanded our terminology for “friend” to include anyone we’ve accepted on Facebook or may have followed back on Instagram. We speak lightly about best friends, as if a recent relationship with someone we find cool needs validation by calling them “best”. But maybe we need to reconsider that and create some new words or revisit our use of the current ones. Or just define people by more complete adjectives to show we admire them and would like to know them better instead of calling them “you’re the best” or “you’re my BFF”. Because we might end up being disappointed if they don’t reciprocate.
I treasure friendships - they’re the fullest of relationships. Your friends are the people you choose by yourself throughout your life.
Friendship doesn’t have a timestamp. Sometimes you meet people that you’re instantly drawn to. You end up spending time together and connecting deeply on various levels. Other times, you might have known people for years but you’re far away from them because of studies or work or life, like in my case. Regardless of the obstacles, the joy of reunion is endlessly magnificent and a reminder of why you love one another.
So, I think that the subtle difference between what we call “friends on Facebook” or “social, casual friends / acquaintances” and a close friend can be summarized through a thought exercise: who is the person you want to be with on a day when you don’t even want to be with yourself?
Times I spend with my best friends are pure joy. Sharing every moment with them is bliss. We could be in the most boring place on planet and we’d have fun. We’d laugh, talk about everything from current affairs, to love, music and many silly things.
There is a famous 75-year long study by Harvard University on happiness, longevity, and the meaningful life, which concludes that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
One should be lucky to have such relationships and find a close friend. I think I found the philosopher’s stone: I’ve got a few of them. So thank you, friends, for making my life so much better. I would hope to be able to do the same for you.
